The party ended later than I expected so I spent the night over at my friends' house laughing while asking each other inappropriate questions as they bury their faces on their computers doing research papers. We do after parties so well, right? That following morning, after a sleepless night and breakfast prepared for us, I went out to call my mom. It only took her first hello before I started breaking down. She was supposed to be hearing me squeal out of excitement because her girl was signing contracts and making money doing her thing. I guess we both didnt expect such a scene. “Why is my baby crying? What's wrong?"

I used to put up a wall so high that she’d have to watch me cry from afar, both of us helpless. That morning, though, was different. The pain was foreign to me because I guess Ive always been crying about the same thing and this was something new to me. I dont like crying because of other people. Especially infront of them. But the pain was just unbearable that I didnt need to be asked twice. My heart was spilling itself and I wore it on my sleeve.

Why am I a loner? My relationships are so shallow. Why dont I have that? Maybe it's because I'm so career oriented.  Or is it because I would rather write my feelings instead of sharing it with people? Isnt it safer that way? Life should be about people and not being in your own world. I compared myself with otehrs, their deep relationships, platonic and romantic alike. I see them posting on social media about college parties. I see the people in my block enjoy each others companies and sneak inside jokes in between classes. I stay in corners and dive into self-help books borrowed from the library as they catch up with each other, or their latest trip to the thrift store. Im riding shotgun as my colleagues talk about clubs and alcohol while I silently listen to music I dont usually listen to and admire the city lights wondering, am I doing it wrong? Am I doing college wrong? Maybe it should be spent building friendships and enjoying. This should be the most fun part of my life, isnt it? I have my whole life ahead of me for being serious, right? Is life supposed to be that way? 

But a bigger part of myself told me it wasnt the problem because heaven knows how much I love and enjoy my solitude. I'm proud of the person Im becoming and the things I invest my time on. It was very confusing to me at that point and I didnt know what my goal really was. Perhaps I just wanted to let it out because it was ugly, heavily awful and paralyzing. 

Im not saying any of this to put myself on pedestal. This isnt a way of saying "Im not like other people."  It doesnt feel like that. Not at all. Perhaps it wouldve been easier that way but no. I can be so hard on myself whenever I feel guilty and I dont ever want to be in that position again. Im doing my best not to let my mind bully myself anymore. Im done thinking about how Im missing out on friends and gossip and the latest TV series and parties and drinks. I mean, Ive been at a club once and it took me thirty minutes before I asked if we could go. That wouldve been 20 if the food wasnt good and the music wasnt fire and if the drink wasnt so damn expensive not to finish. Or maybe I just wasnt with the right people. Im sure I would've enjoyed more if I was with my friends. But then again, I do not have to be out after hours to enjoy with my friends and Im lucky we all find pleasure in staying in and watching Forrest Gump holding a cup of hot chocolate with mallows and munching on microwaved popcorn from the convenience store.

We all have different sources of happiness. And I am having fun on my own just as much as they are with other people. We have different priorities and values. Some days it's harder to come to terms with my individuality. Reminding myself that I do not have to do what everyone else is doing certainly is easier said than done. I would spend my hours on coffee shop working on a project that inspires me and gets me excited but Ill go home feeling bad about myself because I spent the whole day alone. I cant explain. It’s not the “alone” part that makes me feel bad. Im okay with it. I guess I just have the tendency to take pity on myself on the most useless of things. Im at a very crucial part of my life where Im building myself and there's nothing wrong if I focus on that.

I should understand that my relationships arent as shallow as they sometimes seem to me. I have people who I dont have to see everyday to know that we are okay. We go out for dinner and lunch dates or work together on coffee shops without chattering, but most of the time, really, we end up watching movies. We dont have to be chatting everyday but when we meet, we're so caught up with each others lives again and Im very fortunate these people understand me.